Screenplay data
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, known as the Hebrew Hammer, is a Jewish private investigator who defends Jewish culture from antisemitism. After the original Santa Claus is murdered, his evil son, Damian, takes over and plots to destroy Hanukkah by distributing bootleg copies of “It’s a Wonderful Life” to Jewish children, turning them against their heritage. The Jewish Defense League recruits the Hammer and his love interest, Esther, to stop Damian, leading them to infiltrate Santa’s workshop with the help of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front. The Hammer confronts Damian, rescues Esther, and defeats Santa, ensuring the future of Hanukkah. In the end, Jamal, a black elf and Kwanzaa Liberation Front member, becomes the new Santa Claus, ushering in a new era of holiday cheer and cultural understanding.
Save the Cat beat sheet
Mordechai “The Hebrew Hammer” is introduced as an underdog Jewish hero who must overcome ridicule and a sinister plot by Santa’s son to eradicate Hanukkah.
Open full beat sheetMordechai Jefferson Carver is listed as Protagonist. A Semitic super stud, private investigator, and defender of Jewish culture. In the parsed data, Mordechai Jefferson Carver is connected to 39 scenes, 29 dialogue lines, 29 text mentions, first appearing around scene 3.
39 scenes / 29 dialogue linesEsther is listed as Love Interest / JDL Agent. A Semitic siren and JDL agent. In the parsed data, Esther is connected to 19 scenes, 10 dialogue lines, 16 text mentions, first appearing around scene 10.
19 scenes / 10 dialogue linesSanta Claus is listed as Antagonist. The son of St. Nick the Nasty, who takes over the Santa mantle to destroy Hanukkah. In the parsed data, Santa Claus is connected to 12 scenes, 8 dialogue lines, 10 text mentions, first appearing around scene 17.
12 scenes / 8 dialogue linesTiny Tim is listed as Santa's Henchman. A grown-up, street-thug version of the character from A Christmas Carol. In the parsed data, Tiny Tim is connected to 8 scenes, 4 dialogue lines, 4 text mentions, first appearing around scene 18.
8 scenes / 4 dialogue linesMohammed is listed as KLF Leader. Leader of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front. In the parsed data, Mohammed is connected to 7 scenes, 2 dialogue lines, 3 text mentions, first appearing around scene 16.
7 scenes / 2 dialogue linesChief Bloomenbergensteinenthal is listed as JDL Leader. The head of the Jewish Defense League. In the parsed data, Chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal is connected to 6 scenes, 9 dialogue lines, 9 text mentions, first appearing around scene 15.
6 scenes / 9 dialogue linesJamal is listed as Elf / KLF Member. A black elf who joins the KLF and eventually becomes the new Santa. In the parsed data, Jamal is connected to 5 scenes, 2 dialogue lines, 2 text mentions, first appearing around scene 16.
5 scenes / 2 dialogue linesMrs. Carver is listed as Mordechai's Mother. The epitome of Jewish motherhood; intense, judgmental, and overbearing. In the parsed data, Mrs. Carver is connected to 4 scenes, 2 dialogue lines, 2 text mentions, first appearing around scene 12.
4 scenes / 2 dialogue linesHarriet Tubbelman is listed as Underground Jewish Railroad Operator. An elderly Jewish woman who operates the secret tunnel system. In the parsed data, Harriet Tubbelman is connected to 2 scenes, 1 dialogue line, 1 text mention, first appearing around scene 29.
2 scenes / 1 dialogue linesMrs. Highsmith is listed as Teacher. An incredibly Waspy teacher. In the parsed data, Mrs. Highsmith is connected to 1 scene, 2 dialogue lines, 3 text mentions, first appearing around scene 3.
1 scenes / 2 dialogue linesJoseph Lieberman is listed as Politician. A US Senator and member of the same temple as Mordechai. In the parsed data, Joseph Lieberman is connected to 1 scene, first appearing around scene 46.
1 scenes / 0 dialogue linesYoung Mordechai arrives at school and is bullied by Gentile children.
Mordechai Jefferson CarverMordechai is teased by Gentile children.
Mordechai Jefferson CarverMordechai is teased for his dreidel while other children celebrate Christmas; Mrs. Highsmith intervenes.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Mrs. HighsmithMordechai is harassed by store clerks and eventually has his dreidel smashed by Santa Claus.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Santa ClausAdult Mordechai (The Hebrew Hammer) interacts with the community.
Mordechai Jefferson CarverThe Hammer defends a young boy from bullies.
Mordechai Jefferson CarverThe Hammer talks to his secretary Tikva.
Mordechai Jefferson CarverDamian kills Santa Claus and takes over.
Santa ClausThe JDL discusses the threat and decides to recruit the Hammer.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Esther, Chief BloomenbergensteinenthalEsther tries to recruit the Hammer.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, EstherThe Hammer and Esther arrive at his mother's house.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Esther, Mrs. CarverMordechai and Esther arrive at Mrs. Carver's house for Shabat dinner.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Esther, Mrs. CarverThe group eats dinner while Mrs. Carver pressures Mordechai and makes a deal with Esther.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Esther, Mrs. CarverMordechai undergoes security testing to enter the JDL headquarters.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Chief BloomenbergensteinenthalThe Chief briefs Mordechai on the mission to find Santa.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Chief BloomenbergensteinenthalMordechai meets with Mohammed and Jamal to get information on Santa.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Mohammed, JamalSanta plots against Hanukkah and fires his striking elves.
Santa Claus, Tiny Tim, JamalSanta replaces his striking elves with Taiwanese children and reveals his plan to distribute bootleg copies of 'It's A Wonderful Life' to Jewish neighborhoods.
Santa Claus, Tiny Tim, JamalThe Hammer arrives at a skinhead bar.
Mordechai Jefferson CarverThe Hammer confronts a group of skinheads and fights his way out.
Mordechai Jefferson CarverThe Hammer exits the bar after the fight and burns it down.
Mordechai Jefferson CarverA Jewish child watches the bootleg movie.
An addicted child questions his parents about being Jewish.
An adolescent Hasidic boy brings a Christmas tree into his home.
The Hammer encounters Shlomo, who is under the influence of the bootleg movie.
Mordechai Jefferson CarverThe Hammer calls the Chief to coordinate a response.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Chief BloomenbergensteinenthalThe Hammer and Esther infiltrate the mall to confront Santa.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Esther, Santa ClausThe Hammer and Esther are chased by an angry mob of children.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Esther, Harriet TubbelmanHarriet Tubbelman introduces the Hammer and Esther to the Underground Jewish Railroad.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Esther, Harriet TubbelmanThe Hammer and Esther exit the ride and plan their next move.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, EstherThe Hammer and Esther arrive at a Blaxploitation-style bar for Jewish patrons.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, EstherThe Hammer and Esther attempt to socialize in a segregated bar, leading to awkward encounters.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, EstherThe Hammer and Esther dance and engage in intimate conversation.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, EstherPost-coital tension arises when the Hammer discovers Esther's deal with his mother.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, EstherThe Chief briefs the Hammer and Esther on Santa's plan to destroy Hanukkah.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Esther, Chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal, Santa Claus, Tiny TimThe Hammer rents a vehicle at the airport.
Mordechai Jefferson CarverThe Hammer and Esther travel toward the Jewish Atomic Clock.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, EstherSanta and his henchmen arrive at the clock.
Santa Claus, Tiny TimThe Hammer and Esther battle Santa's forces.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Esther, Santa Claus, Tiny TimSanta prepares to leave with Esther, leaving Tiny Tim behind. The KLF arrives to save the Hammer.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Santa Claus, Tiny Tim, Esther, Mohammed, JamalThe Hammer reports to the Chief and plans a rescue mission for Esther.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal, MohammedThe Hammer and Mohammed scout the workshop using a laptop.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, MohammedSanta is confronted by a prostitute and receives bad news from Tiny Tim.
Santa Claus, Tiny TimThe Hammer and Mohammed infiltrate the compound.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, MohammedThe Hammer and Mohammed trigger an alarm and fight their way through.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Mohammed, Tiny Tim, Santa ClausThe Hammer rescues Esther and confronts Santa.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Santa Claus, Esther, Mohammed, Joseph LiebermanThe group celebrates Shabat and watches the new Santa take flight.
Mordechai Jefferson Carver, Esther, Mrs. Carver, JamalWhile I was in Taiwan negotiating the solution to our labor problems, I came across a factory that illegally manufactures the most addictive, Jewish pride weakening substance on the planet. I bought the entire plant.
Chief, it's me. Listen carefully. I need for the Worldwide Jewish Media Conspiracy to mass produce video copies of every Hollywood movie ever made featuring a positive Jewish protagonist as its lead.
Now, now class let's not make fun of Mordechai's spinning top. We need to all learn the importance of tolerance and understanding. Isn't that right Mordechai?
Mordechai, Santa Claus has been rubbed out by his son Damian. The man's a demon. There's no telling what this new anti semitic psycho Santa is capable of.
Mordechai, by any means necessary, you bring my Esther back to me. Even if it requires using Judaism's most powerful weapon.
And since you elves aren't willing to do the work, I made arrangements to have some Taiwanese children shipped over.
Once I extract the Judeum from the clock, the Jewish Calendar will cease to exist, forever eradicating Hanukkah.
I want to have lots of children by you. Get a good paying, stable job. Settle down in Long Island somewhere.
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