2008
After his wife Liz confesses an affair, Colin Diamond's friends kidnap her lover, intending to kill him for revenge. As Colin grapples with despair, his friends reveal their eccentricities while he confronts the bound lover about the affair and his failing marriage. In a surprising turn, Colin decides to release the lover, causing tension and disagreement among his friends. Liz then appears at the derelict house, confronting Colin and the gang, before Colin ultimately walks away, leaving his old life behind.
Save the Cat beat sheet
A tightly wound man, Colin, collapses after discovering his wife’s infidelity and is spirited away by friends who plan to confront her lover.
Open full beat sheetColin Diamond is listed as Protagonist. Late 40s, husband of Liz, currently in a state of shock and despair. In the parsed data, Colin Diamond is connected to 37 scenes, 76 dialogue lines, 78 text mentions, first appearing around scene 16.
37 scenes / 76 dialogue linesArchie is listed as Gang member. Aged 52, big, avuncular, wears a car coat. In the parsed data, Archie is connected to 30 scenes, 90 dialogue lines, 93 text mentions, first appearing around scene 3.
30 scenes / 90 dialogue linesMeredith is listed as Gang member. Late 40s, suave, immaculate, wears black Saville Row suit and cashmere roll neck. In the parsed data, Meredith is connected to 30 scenes, 61 dialogue lines, 69 text mentions, first appearing around scene 6.
30 scenes / 61 dialogue linesOld Man Peanut is listed as Gang member. Aged 80, skinny, wears a dark three-piece suit, gold watch chain, and black Homburg. In the parsed data, Old Man Peanut is connected to 26 scenes, 54 dialogue lines, 54 text mentions, first appearing around scene 16.
26 scenes / 54 dialogue linesMal is listed as Gang member. Mid-40s, wears a silver-grey suit. In the parsed data, Mal is connected to 25 scenes, 84 dialogue lines, 88 text mentions, first appearing around scene 12.
25 scenes / 84 dialogue linesLiz is listed as Colin's wife. Aged 44, glamorous, unfaithful. In the parsed data, Liz is connected to 14 scenes, 12 dialogue lines, 38 text mentions, first appearing around scene 21.
14 scenes / 12 dialogue linesLoverboy is listed as Liz's lover. Early 30s, handsome, beaten. In the parsed data, Loverboy is connected to 12 scenes, 4 text mentions, first appearing around scene 9.
12 scenes / 0 dialogue linesTippi Gordon is listed as Associate. 60-ish, wears white mink coat, pink rinse hair. In the parsed data, Tippi Gordon is connected to 5 scenes, first appearing around scene 25.
5 scenes / 0 dialogue linesArchie's Mum is listed as Archie's mother. Aged 80. In the parsed data, Archie's Mum is connected to 2 scenes, 1 dialogue line, 1 text mention, first appearing around scene 3.
2 scenes / 1 dialogue linesBiggy Walpole is listed as Acquaintance. Aged 58, wears tweed sports jacket, handlebar moustache. In the parsed data, Biggy Walpole is connected to 1 scene, 1 dialogue line, 2 text mentions, first appearing around scene 11.
1 scenes / 1 dialogue linesRosemary is listed as Biggy's dog. Wire-haired terrier. In the parsed data, Rosemary is connected to 1 scene, first appearing around scene 11.
1 scenes / 0 dialogue linesColin is found in a state of shock in his devastated living room after a violent incident.
Colin DiamondLiz crashes through an upstairs window to escape the house.
LizArchie eats soup with his mother, then receives a distressing phone call from Colin.
Archie, Archie's Mum, Colin DiamondArchie tries to comfort a catatonic Colin in the wrecked living room.
Archie, Colin DiamondMeredith receives a phone call.
MeredithMeredith speaks to Archie on the phone.
Meredith, ArchieThe gang travels in a van with a sobbing Colin.
Archie, Mal, Meredith, Colin Diamond, Old Man PeanutThe gang watches an Italian restaurant from the van.
Meredith, Old Man Peanut, Colin DiamondMal and Archie forcibly remove a waiter from the restaurant.
Mal, Archie, LoverboyThe waiter is bundled into the van.
Meredith, Old Man Peanut, Mal, Loverboy, ArchieArchie talks to Biggy Walpole about Colin and Liz.
Archie, Biggy Walpole, RosemaryArchie and Mal discuss the situation while waiting.
Mal, ArchieColin walks the streets alone.
Colin DiamondArchie and Mal discuss Colin's mental state.
Archie, MalColin continues his walk.
Colin DiamondColin arrives at the house and joins the others.
Colin Diamond, Archie, Mal, Old Man PeanutLiz struggles to climb an embankment.
LizMeredith arrives at the house.
Meredith, Old Man Peanut, Mal, Colin Diamond, ArchieThe group discusses Biggy Walpole.
Archie, Meredith, Old Man Peanut, Colin DiamondColin arrives home with groceries and gifts.
Colin DiamondColin enters his home and talks to his wife Liz, who is distant.
Colin Diamond, LizColin reacts to Liz's confession.
Colin Diamond, LizColin struggles to comprehend the situation.
Colin Diamond, LizThe gang discusses Colin's situation and the need to kill the lover.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Archie, Mal, Colin DiamondMeredith recounts meeting Tippi Gordon.
Meredith, Tippi GordonThe men listen to Meredith's story.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Archie, MalTippi Gordon's manic behavior.
Tippi GordonTippi and Meredith travel through London.
Meredith, Tippi GordonThe Rolls Royce stops at a red light.
Meredith, Tippi GordonMeredith describes Tippi's gambling.
Meredith, Tippi GordonMeredith finishes his story and argues with Peanut.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, ArchieColin confronts Liz about her infidelity.
Colin Diamond, LizColin confesses to hitting Liz.
Old Man Peanut, Archie, Mal, Colin DiamondThe lover is hidden inside the wardrobe.
LoverboyThe men discuss the next steps.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Archie, Mal, Colin DiamondColin exits the house.
Colin DiamondThe men discuss Liz.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Archie, MalColin runs through the streets.
Colin DiamondColin runs through the streets in a state of despair and collapses against a wall.
Colin DiamondLiz lies in the scrub, regaining consciousness.
LizThe gang discusses past acquaintances while waiting; Colin arrives and breaks down.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Archie, Mal, Colin DiamondThe gang stares at the captive lover; Colin prepares to confront him.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Archie, Mal, Colin Diamond, LoverboyThe gang waits in the hallway while Colin is with the captive.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Archie, MalColin confronts the captive lover about his marriage and his wife.
Colin Diamond, LoverboyThe gang members discuss Archie's mother and reminisce about Samson and Delilah.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Archie, MalDelilah poisons Samson's wine.
Colin confronts the gang and Loverboy, revealing his psychological breakdown and obsession with his past marriage.
Colin Diamond, Mal, Archie, Meredith, Old Man Peanut, LizColin talks to himself and Loverboy, comparing their lives.
Colin Diamond, LoverboyColin explores his old bedroom, finding mementos of his marriage.
Colin DiamondColin returns to the room where the gang members appear to have swapped bodies.
Colin Diamond, Liz, Meredith, Archie, Mal, Old Man PeanutA flashback or vision of Meredith as a chauffeur and Liz at a window.
Meredith, Liz, Colin Diamond, MalThe gang discusses hiring a gardener.
Archie, Meredith, Mal, Old Man Peanut, Colin DiamondOld Man Peanut prepares to torture a figure in the dungeon.
Old Man PeanutColin confronts Liz about their relationship.
Colin Diamond, Liz, Archie, Old Man Peanut, Meredith, LoverboyA driver finds Liz on the side of the road.
LizFlashback of Colin attacking Liz.
Colin Diamond, LizColin sobs while Loverboy comforts him.
Colin Diamond, LoverboyThe gang discusses a strange story about a man with a large head.
Archie, Mal, Meredith, Old Man PeanutThe gang enters the room to find Colin has decided to let Loverboy go.
Mal, Archie, Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Colin Diamond, LoverboyColin decides to let Loverboy go, causing tension among the gang members.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Archie, Mal, Colin Diamond, LoverboyOld Man Peanut recounts his death in a nursing home.
Old Man PeanutMeredith talks about his new boyfriend Ray and a suspicious encounter.
MeredithLiz enters the room, confronting the gang and Colin.
Old Man Peanut, Meredith, Archie, Mal, Colin Diamond, LizArchie talks about his new partner Hazel and his mother.
Archie, Archie's MumMal appears briefly in the shadows.
MalColin walks away into his new life.
Colin Diamond...recently painted... That's the bed... see the tangled sheets?!... (indicates a door. Opens it.)... Bathroom! - en suite look ... gold taps! - but never mind that... ignore all that... that's not why you're in `ere... It's that - that look - this - this look - this 'ere... (he has moved to a chest of drawers)... this chest of drawers... Inside here, mate, is tre as ure .. . (ca re ss es th e che st o f drawers). Treasure like you wouldn't fuckin' believe! - Should we have a look inside it?... Shall we?...We fuckin' shall!... (slowly opens a drawer)... What we got 'ere? 'S her underwear, look ... all s oft a n' wa rm .. . a n' p ret ty .. . (slowly turns to us. Stares darkly. Turns away. Shuts the drawer)... Shut that... 'Ow a bou t th is on e? (o pe ns an ot he r drawer ) My socks and pants ! (cl oses it)... What about this one? This could be interestin'... (slowly opens another drawer. His face lights up). Bingo! (He extracts an old document. holds it up for us to see) ... See this? See it? D'you know what this is? No?... I'll tell ya what this is - 's the contract!...'s the marriage contract! (stares smugly)... Lets see what it says, shall we? (READS) 'Mr and Mrs Colin Diamond!'... It's there in black and white. Plain as the broken nose on your face...'Married'! 'By law! 'Before God'!... There's no gettin' round that!... We must accept that!... So... this piece of paper's gonna be a bit trick y... yeah, diff icult ... hmm ... (MUSES) Tell ya what, lets lay it aside for a bit... (puts it back)...'Allo , what's this? (takes out a photograph) 'S a p ho to! T ha t's u s on ou r wed di ng ' day!... Don't laugh at-the suit ... pony 'aircut!.. (stares at it intently) But didn't she look lovely!....What else we got in 'ere? (rummages) The stuff you keep!...'Ere's 'er garter, look! (shows it to us) ... Blue, of course!... Wha t' s i n th is bo x? (o pe ns a sm al l box)... Oh, it's cake! Bit of cake! Still all right. . still moist - you could eat that!... (looks at it intently... then returns it to the drawer. Now his eye catches something inside and slowly he reaches in ... gently extracts a fancy, pearl handled, gleaming, 12" knife.) 'Ere's the knife we cut it with!... (he - confronts us. Holding it staring at us darkly. Murderously ... Eventually...) ... Best put this away, eh?. '. (slides the knife back into the drawer. Finds something else ... Something 2 inches tall. His face fills with wonder)... Ere's a little man, look ... off the top of the cake! Ain't he 'andsome! (looks closely at it)... In 'is little mornin' suit ... aahh!! - Top hat - spats 'n' al l ! . . . I t s m e ! ! . . . ( S u d d e n l y , violently, he thrusts the 2 inch groom towards us/camera. Holding. It. Shaking with rage) ... You've made me feel that sm a ll ! !! (p u ll s h i ms e lf to g et h er . Retracts the figure) ... He's goin' back in the drawer! (QUICKLY RETURNS IT) ... Safe! ... Away from you!!...
Two years later I was dead... I passed away in the small hours in a nursing `ome in Slough, with a drip in me arm, me gnashers in a mug by the bed and me boots most definitely on!... I'd done me hip in the spring and couldn't cope with meself no more at `ome, if you must know... I died in a `orrible fuckin' room they'd give me in the midst of a bunch of doddery, decrepit, dribbling old mongs!... Come the time, this dragon-witch-bitch of a nurse, arsked me if I wanted a fuckin' priest?! To make my peace!... I arsk you!!... I told `em where to get off!... Told `em all to fuck off out of it and leave me to meet my maker on my Jack Todd!... I lay on my pit like a scabby baby and waited for it... waited for it... waited for it to come... and get me! It came alright... The Reaper came, alright... in the middle of the fucking night -- Like a burglar -- Like a worry... I opened my milky mince's and saw... saw Death... The ugly brute of it... It's black mouth... it's cocky eyes... `ungry like the wolf... for me!... My time was up! I was wanted!... "I'll break you", it said... "I'll fucking' break you!"... I stared at it... hissed at it... spat at it... I raised myself up from the stainy cot with my weak, bony arm... got myself in a proud position -- my spine ramrod straight... It was reaching for me... grabbing at me... laughing at me... "FUCK YOU!", I said... `FUUUCCKK YOOUU!!!!!"
...Me?... No... but I'm quite lucky... because I'm different to you... I don't share your emotions... I don't love like you... like you do... Maybe I should... but I don't!... I'm not a family man - with me, sex is sex... no more... no less... Cold. Hard. Dark... and sweaty... Sudden. Excessive... When I've shot my wad, I leave the room... I put my coat on and I leave the room... No "thank you's"... no "I really enjoyed that" - I leave the room!... And I don't go back!... I can afford to do that... I've got that luxury... I'm charismatic... People are drawn to me . (PAUSE) Now maybe it's cowardly but I choose to live without turmoil... without entanglements... All that bores me! - With me it's the five Fs - find 'em, follow 'em, finger 'em, fuck 'em and forget 'em!... But you, Colin, you possess different qualities... that's what makes you you... You're more caring stroke sharing... Your capacity to love leaves you vulnerable - but that's admirable!... You care... and you should be proud of that!
...Massive, it was... massive `ead! -- Size of it! -- Like a melon! Like a pumpkin! Grotesque! `Uge!... Well it wasn't so much `is `ead -- it was `is face!... It was just abnormally big -- An abnormality!... Like th e b o ne st r uc t ur e w a s o ut `e r e -- (indicates with his hands) Rhinoceroussy -- `ad grown out of all proportion to the rest of `im... Coz `is skull -- the skull itself -- the top -- it was in actuality quite small -- not much bigger than a co co n ut -- so r t o f po i nt y a n' al l ... Coroner's report said he'd never seen anythin' like it!... They thought they'd found the missin' link!
...And you a fucking waiter!... A fucking waiter!... frog waiter!... You cuntin' spunka!... You sorry fuck! You'll be fuckin' sorry!... If you thought yesterday was something... today's gonna be somethin' else!... Yesterday was nothin'!... I've been home... had a bath... had a kip... somethin' to eat... watched a bit of telly... I've got a life!... Been to the pub!... had a drink!... Had a laugh!... Had a dance!... And you?.... You stink!.. Locked in a wardrobe!... Chucked in like a puppet!... Like an unwanted toy!... Sack o' shit!... Where's that bottle opener?... where's that corkscrew?... Got a knife?
FUCKIN' SHUTUP YOU CUNT !!!... I'LL PULL YOUR FUCKIN' ARSEHOLE OUT IN A MI N U T E ! ! ! (Turns back to Liz, immediately loving again)... That we -- (trails off)... I love you, Liz... I just need you to understand -- that I love you!... (Getting desperate)... I'm a good bloke, Liz! -- A really good bloke!... (she is staring at him)... Liz, please -- you gotta give me somethin'... so me th i n' ... p le as e... I d es er ve somethin'... Twenty one years is a long -- that's a lotta life -- to dedicate -- surely -- please... Liz... somethin'...
Fucked his wife?! ... Fucked his fuckin' wife?! ... You fuckin' wife-fucker you!... You fuckin' fucked his wife you wife-fuckin' cunt!... (beat) Fuckin' his wife?!... Fuckin' his fuckin' wife?!... Another man's wife?!... Are you fuc ki n' th ic k? - Yo u cunt !... Fu ck another man's wife?... What's the matter with you?! You don't do that!... It' not done!... You do that - it ends in this! - Th i s! - T hi s i s w h er e i t e n ds ! I n this!... You hear me? ... you listenin'? Shitter!... Little shitter!
What a terrible waste!...What a waste of time!... Energy!... Everythin'!... What's it all mean?... Surely a marriage is somethin'?!... I mean, what's it all about? What is the fuckin' point! Twenny one fuckin' years, good times and bad - down the fuckin' plug 'ole! Up the fuckin' Swanee, eh?!!... We 'ad somethin' goin'!... Solid!... A life!...We were a family! - The Diamonds!.. What're they gonna say?... What am I gonna tell `em?... What does one tell the children? - This's gonna affect their studies!...
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